Dread to Deliverance… Eventually.

• ( fear for) a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone  • the likelihood of something unwelcome happening. 

My Mac Dictionary application really comes in handy sometimes. I couldn’t have defined that better. Ever since Natalie passed away, I’ve fought with emotions that would paralyze me for the rest of the day. For those of you who don’t know, she had a blood clot in the pulmonary arteries in her lungs. There was no way anyone could have known. Her death was sudden, and came without warning. That really scares me, not for my own life – but for those closest to me. 

I’m not scared of dying, I know where I’m going. My biggest fear is that I’m going to wake up and loose the people closest to me. I’m afraid of going through life without them. I can’t bare to imagine what Natalie’s parents, friends, and boyfriend are feeling. The pain of losing their daughter, sister, girlfriend, best friend… Why do they have to suffer this dreadful nightmare? Sixteen days later, it’s never going to end. 

These fears have caused me to once again put my faith in the One who died for us. I pray constantly throughout the day for the safety of those who mean the world to me, but I still have an underlying anxiety about the future. I’m still shaken up by the possibility that I could loose one of those people in an instant. Sicknesses, car accidents, wrong place at the wrong time… there’s always a chance something could completely change life as I know it. I wish I could end this with “God has completely taken that fear away,” but I can’t. As much as I want to give it all up to Him… I’m still worried, fearful, and stressed. 

What I can do is take each day at a time, and be in constant communication with my Savior. I need to not only pray about the safety of the ones I love, but also for myself – that I won’t be consumed with immobilizing fear. He’s the only one that can bring me peace and deliverance. 

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~ Matthew 6:34

The Cluttered Car & The Solo Sock.

This afternoon I met the boy at Starbucks, then went to his house to clean out his cluttered car (putting it lightly). We discovered four shirts, one sock, books and binders, numerous papers, unidentified food and trash, and a recycle bin full of bottles and cans. We vacuumed all the crumbs, washed the floor mats, and threw away the junk that was found hidden under the seats.

I’m not writing this to rag on him, or guilt him into finally keeping his car somewhat organized. I felt like cleaning out his car symbolized my own life. God knows I have issues I still struggle to “clean out.” There’s little crevasses containing sinful crumbs that I’ve forgotten about because I don’t want other people to see it. Even when I used dust-buster attachments to reach those tough areas between the car seat and the door, I still couldn’t reach everything that needed a good vacuum job. Isn’t that true in our own life? Don’t we all have those sins we’d rather just shove under the seat or tuck into a crevasse so no one will see it? Our life then appears neat and tidy, when in reality it’s dirty and in shambles.

Pastor John challenged us at the Ascent last night to allow God to search all those areas in our life we’re trying to hide, just like Psalm 139:23-24 says:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 

test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

See if there is any offensive way in me, 

and lead me in the way everlasting.

When you ask, God will show you the garbage accumulating in your life. I know this to be true because I’ve experienced it multiple times this week. I begged God to search my heart and make known the wasteful junk I was still refusing to throw away. I asked Him to speak through Pastor John, and Pastor Steve. I sought forgiveness, and He delivered. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9  Just like a car, our life can appear to be spotless and clean when our heart is full of stains and filth. “It’s about the heart, not the appearance” (John Poitevent).   

…On a different note, I loved helping him clean out his car. It didn’t bother me I was getting my hands dirty (literally), because I was spending time with my best friend. The solo sock we found ended up on the ground where we poured all of the empty water bottles and cans. Not realizing it had absorbed the liquid and dirt from the grass, I picked it up and had my hands covered in a mixture of who knows what. Thinking it was funny, Ty threw it at me. Luckily dodging it, I threw it back. Mistake. All of a sudden, I felt a wet, slimy, stinky impact hit my back. It was disgusting, but I wouldn’t have traded the afternoon for anything. It was perfect. 

Surprises in Scripture.

I spent yesterday afternoon at Starbucks with my awesome boyfriend, drinking a hazelnut latte and studying 1 Corinthians. Questions involving Scripture led us to a discussion about the Bible. We talked about the Old Testament, and how the genealogy in certain books completely lost me. We went into detail about how God prophesied and symbolized different events in the Old Testament that appear in the New Testament. But, after discovering certain information on how the Bible was written and put together, I was slightly disappointed. I had this vivid picture in my mind of how God used people like Paul and Moses to craft Scripture. While I now sound like the worst Christian on earth, that’s the truth of what I felt. However, the feeling lasted less than twenty four hours.

I woke up this morning to a strong desire to dive into God’s Word and prayed that He would search my heart and reveal something to me that I was blinded to. He was faithful! There’s an awesome Pastor in Nevada, Steve Hadley, who started a church called Harvest Family Fellowship. I’ve been listening to his messages online, and God has seriously used him in extraordinary ways. Anyway, I listened to his newest message from this past weekend entitled “Your Amazing Bible.” The title alone grabbed my attention, especially after my discussion yesterday afternoon. I brewed a cup of coffee, opened up my Bible, and listened as God began to blow my mind away. 

We began in Genesis 5, where Adam’s descendants to Noah are listed. I usually just skim over the names because my mindset was: “What does it matter to me why Adam had a son named Seth when he was 130 years old? Why do I need to know Methuselah was a father to Lamech?” I always wondered why it was so important to be put in the Bible. God totally took the blindfolds off my eyes this morning, so to speak. How could I not realize that God had a purpose for listing Adam’s descendants? One piece of information literally made my jaw drop.

I’m sure some of you know this already, but bare with me. I just learned it and I am seriously amazed. Here are the descendants of Adam in Genesis 5 and the meaning of their names:

Adam – man 

Seth – appointed

Enosh – mortal

Cainan - sorrow 

Mahalalel – the Blessed God 

Jared – shall come down

Enoch – teaching

Methuselah – his death shall bring 

Lamech – despairing

Noah – comfort 

If you put it together, it says: 

Man [is] appointed mortal sorrow, 

[but] the blessed God shall come down teaching. 

His death shall bring the despairing comfort.

WHOA! How stinkin’ cool is that?! How awesome is our God! There was prophesy in the descendants of Adam before Jesus even came to earth! It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it! 

There’s so much more I could write on, but I can’t explain it nearly as well as Pastor Steve. When you have time, I strongly encourage listening to the message. It’s truly awe-inspiring to see just how magnificent our God is! There was a purpose behind even the order of letters in Scripture. It’s called “Equidistant Lettering.” There is absolutely no possible way that man alone could have written the Bible, it was a divine work of God. To learn even more about the hidden wonders in Scripture, tune in here:

Your Amazing Bible 

Click on the message titled “Your Amazing Bible,” and let God reveal to you his marvelous Word!
 

With Hope.

 

Sweetly, but painfully, broken.

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

This song has really tugged at my heart this weekend. It’s so easy to go through a painful experience and seclude yourself from God. I don’t want to be in isolation. I want to feel His presence, I want to feel his comfort, and I want him to restore my joy. 

I had been thinking about my life before the week started. I wasn’t facing any trials, everything was fitting perfectly into place, and I was completely content. Little did I know, days later I would find myself overwhelmed with sorrow and grief. I went from having it all together, to having everything fall apart. In my vulnerability and weakness, God showed his strength. He took the burden off my shoulders, all I had to do was reach out to Him. That’s not always easy, though. My first reactions don’t always include prayer. I still struggle with an egotistical mindset that I can handle whatever life throws at me. Truth is, I can’t.

It’s been four days since Natalie went to be with Jesus in heaven. I started to tear up as I typed that. Everyday I cry a little less, and the heartbreak slowly starts to heal. I honestly could not have made it through that day without my best friend. He saw me at my worst. I walked up to him with tears in my eyes, no makeup, glasses, messy hair, a big hoodie… and he still made me feel beautiful. He comforted me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He listened to me as I vented and shared memories I had with her. He held me close and prayed for Natalie’s family, and those close to her. God is going to use this situation to further His Kingdom, I just know it. 

Prayer + action = changed circumstances. In 2010 I want to: Get lost in Scripture daily, devote myself to prayer, serve rather than be served, show love when it’s difficult, and grow in faith through every struggle. And when I fail, I won’t give up. Life is way to short to dwell in failure. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

 

 

‘Cause now you’re home…01.07.09.

All I want to do right now is curl up in a dark corner and cry, but I know she wouldn’t want me to. I feel like I need to write everything I’m feeling and get my emotions out before they damage me. I’m still clueless as to what happened yesterday, but all I know is that it caused me to loose one of my best friends. Twice now I haven’t been able to say goodbye to a friend who meant this much to me. Why didn’t I learn the first time? Why didn’t I tell her what an amazing person she was, or how much I loved her?

Natalie Jo Smith lived life with so much joy and passion. She was truly one of the best friends I’ve ever had. We would spend two weeks at a time together when she visited, morning till night, and never got bored. She was the first person I called when I had my first kiss. She laughed at me and said “about time!” Faded memories were suddenly made clear again today. I thought about everything we used to do, and it hurts to know we won’t be doing those things anymore. It REALLY hurts. I passed by her neighborhood today and lost it. I assume that’s going to happen a lot, considering she lives across the street. Oh, what I would give for one more minute to tell her goodbye. One more second just to hug her and tell her that I’ll miss her. As hard as it is knowing she’s gone, I have comfort in knowing where she is. 

I know one thing for certain, I can’t give up on God. I can’t question why he let something like this happen. I did that once, and found myself in a state of depression and far away from where I needed to be. I’m not going to let that happen again. I have complete trust in a God who is faithful. Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. – Psalm 30:5. 

I’m never going to take life for granted from this moment on. Please keep the Smith family in your prayers. 

I love you so much, Natalie. I really am going to miss you more than you will ever know. You are so beautiful. I’ll never forget you, ever. I don’t know how anyone could forget you. Enjoy spending every minute with Jesus. I know you’re loving it. I’ll see you again someday… I LOVE YOU.

We can cry with hope 

We can say goodbye with hope 

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no 

And we can grieve with hope 

'Cause we believe with hope 

(There's a place by God's grace) 

There's a place where we'll see your face again 

We'll see your face again

And never have I known 

Anything so hard to understand 

And never have I questioned more 

The wisdom of God's plan 

But through the cloud of tears 

I see the Father's smile and say well done 

And I imagine you 

Where you wanted most to be 

Seeing all your dreams come true 

'Cause now you're home 

 And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor 

'Cause we believe that everything 

God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope 

And we ache with hope 

We hold on with hope 

We let go with hope

 

Twenty Ten.

I’ve never made a New Years Resolution. Actually, this was the first year I actually stayed up to ring in the New Year. As I sit here and reflect on 2009, there was one event that completely changed my life. Before I touch on that, let me give you some background information. I became a Christian in first grade and accepted Jesus Christ into my life. Little did I know what that entitled, I still believed in God. Years later, on Father’s day of 2003, I rededicated my life and was baptized at Juno Beach (and was on the baptism video they played at church during service – which I thought was the coolest thing in the world). I grew up going to church, a Christian school, and being surrounded by Christians. I overheard numerous conversations about people “hearing God,” or “feeling His presence.” I never had either experience, but I continued to believe in a God I couldn’t see. Later, I began doubting my salvation in Christ almost weekly. I thought things like “God’s never spoken to me, I must be doing something wrong. I must not be saved…” I prayed the salvation prayer every time I heard a pastor preach it, just in case. I struggled as a child and still struggled until recently. When I prayed, I felt like no one was listening. I thought God couldn’t hear me, or I wasn’t a good enough Christian for Him to answer me. I had a deep hunger to have an intimate relationship with Christ, the relationship I saw other peers experiencing, but continued to fail. Daily I prayed for Him to give me the desire. Little did I know, James 2:17 tells us: “In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” It was great I wanted to have stronger faith, but I wasn’t doing anything about it.

Years later, I subconsciously began testing God. I say “subconsciously” because I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but it completely influenced my actions and feelings. I had joined a small group with my best friend, and to no surprise, the topic was relationships. The only thing I remember was one thing my leader said: “Pray daily for your future relationships, whether that be with the opposite sex or friends, that they will be honoring and pleasing to God – and He will answer you in His timing. Pray for their purity, their protection, and do the same for yourself. Above all, keep your faith in God because he is listening to the desires of your heart – and if need be, pray His desires for your life will become your desires.” 

“Okay,” I thought. “If she’s right, I’ll do what she says and see what happens.” There was a little doubt remaining in my mind, but I’m so thankful I didn’t listen to the apprehension. I know it saved me a lot of painful heartache. For two years, I prayed daily for God to work in my life; not only in my relationships, but in my life in general. I was faithful in prayer, and began digging into God’s word for guidance. I became more involved in my church and grew a deeper relationship with God that I never thought I’d have. Yet, I still had never “felt His presence,” or “had Him speak to me.” Let me tell you, that totally began to irritate me. Was God even listening?

In the beginning of 2009, after two years of being faithful in prayer, I finally began to see Jesus working in my life. I actually felt it. I had never felt so passionate about anything else. In April of 2009, a desire grew in my heart that seemed almost crazy, impossible even. I prayed one of the hardest prayers at that moment: ”God, if this isn’t your will for my life… take it away, completely.” He didn’t take it away, which concerned me. Is this really God I’m feeling? How do I know? Continually, I prayed: “God, take it away if it is not in your plans.” Still, it was not going away. 

After pursing God first, and being faithful in prayer, He answered me – and I had goosebumps. While I prayed, I began crying out to God and singing over and over: “You make all things work together for my good, Your love never fails…” (Funny, this song came on shuffle while I was typing this – crazy!) To make this long story short, after three more months of faithful prayer to God, He answered me. On June 20th, 2009, I began dating my best friend. God is so good! 

I’ve been dating him for a little over 6 months, and my relationship with God has never been more rock solid than it is right now. We have weekly bible studies where he pushes me to strengthen my walk with Christ, to the point of desiring to have a bible study everyday with him. Conversations about bible verses and God are spoken all the time, and I’m able to learn more about my Savior over a Starbucks Peppermint Moca Latte with my boyfriend… How cool is that? The foundation of our relationship is on Christ alone. I have a confidence in the Lord that I’ve never had before. Regardless if we date three years or break up in three days, God had a plan and a purpose in putting us together. My boyfriend is a true example of a servant of Christ, and I’m so blessed to even know him. I’m not first in his life, Jesus Christ holds that position, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. The coolest part is that he was that example years before we even began to date. Again, God is so good! 

Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t perfect because I have Christ in my life. I’m not promised to have smooth sailing, but I am promised that God will be my shelter from the storm. I still sin, I still make mistakes, and I still desire to fall into the temptation of the world. But hey, I have a God who loves me enough to forgive me anyway. There will never be a line I’ve crossed where God gives up on me. I find hope in His Word. David took the words right out of my mouth in Psalm 143:7-8 - ”Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” I have assurance in a God who forgave my sin and died for me, if that isn’t love – I don’t know what is. The sad part, is I just realized that. I’ve been numb for so long to the fact Jesus Christ died so I could live. Whoa. Thank you, Jesus. Here’s a confession I’m not proud of: I’ve never told Jesus I loved him, I’ve always doubted my love for Him. Every time those words flowed from my mouth, there was still a part of me that questioned if I meant what I said. So, I stopped saying it. But now, I’m saying with 100% confidence: Jesus, I love you. Thank you for working in my life, and blessing my undeserved soul. 

With that being said, I’m not making a “resolution,” but instead a personal goal to seek God, to grow in Him, and love Him with every part of my heart. I pray that God will use me this year to spread His Gospel. Hello, 2010 – I’m ready for whatever God has planned.